In 2008, after a series of difficult events, I found myself in a state of numbness. I was 20 years old, devastated, defeated and angry. I hit a bottom that couldn’t be ignored. When life would happen; I would act like it was nothing, pick up and move on. I figured everyone ignored life the way I did. I didn’t understand the concept of “coping” or “healing,” nor was I aware I had anything to heal from. Having been swallowed by the darkness, I was desperate for change. That is when “the work” or “the process” of healing began for me.
I attended support groups and met people on different paths but the same road of self-discovery. I was blessed to meet so many spiritual teachers along the way. Through my relationships with different people, I began to learn about myself. I learned that when life felt I was ready, the lesson would be brought to my doorstep and I had to deal with it head on. Up to that point, I only knew hurt, so I had no faith or trust in mankind. When I hit weak points, there were people that showed up for me with no judgment. That is when I discovered the power of individuals healing together. Vulnerability was extremely difficult for me, however it was by letting people witness my rawness that I began to experience peace for the first time. The willingness to show up, no matter what condition I was in, was my savings grace.
Through my “work,” it is clear that the harshest rains created the brightest rainbows. I started to gain memory, have flashbacks and nightmares that paralyzed me with fear. Shockingly my ugliest secrets were the catalyst to the most important growth spurts. It was mind boggling to think I had to be broken down, in order to be built up. I had a therapist that used to say, “whatever you resist will persist.” No statement has been truer for me.
Looking back, I see what I deemed ugly, undesirable, disgusting and shameful about myself, were the things that held the key to my awakening. To accept, love and appreciate what I found unacceptable and unlovable was grueling but today those are my biggest assets. Nothing I have been through has been in vain and healing myself has given me an opportunity to work with others. It takes a lot of courage to begin this process and to continue no matter what occurs. That is why I have created this blog. I want to be able to reach more people, if only just to let them know that they are not alone in this. I understand feeling invisible, alone and lost. If I can use anything I have learned to help people, I will. The only reason I am still here is because strangers before me gave of themselves willingly to help me. I am forever grateful for those who contributed to my walk and I would like to give back what was freely given to me.
It’s fascinating to know I found freedom as soon as I embraced my ugly.
Photo by Ekaterina Juskowski
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